If you’re the kind of person who smokes more pot on a monthly, weekly and daily basis than Rihanna, chances are that pretty much everyone who knows you knows you are a stoner. Not that this is anything to be ashamed of whatsoever, but if you ever find yourself in a position where you need to convince other people that you are not, in fact, high as a kite, you sort of have to accept and expect a little scepticism.
In the vast majority of instances your state will be pretty obvious and it’s not as if you will have any kind of fear in admitting it, either. But at the same time, there will always be certain instances when for whatever the reason, you really do need to get it across to those in question that you are not in fact well and truly baked. Which is something you’ll probably pull off pretty easily if you haven’t had a smoke for a while…not so much if you’re half way to another planet.
Exactly when, where and why you should have to pretend you’re not stoned when you are is a judgement call that’s all up to you. Family dinners, forgotten special occasions, unexpected visits – all the kind of events where you might suddenly have to come across as clean and grounded. If you’ve ever tried it for yourself, you’ll know it’s easier said than done.
But it’s not impossible, so if you do find yourself in a position where you need to fool folk into thinking you’re anything but baked, the following tips might help…a bit…maybe:
First and foremost, there’s quite a lot of equipment out there that can help you in your mission. If you happen to be the proactive type, you might want to think about keeping as many of these provisions readily available at all times, just in case you happen to need them. For example, it’s never a bad idea to have some chewing gum or mints available to mask the fact that your mouth is drier than the Sahara. For obvious reasons, sunglasses may also be your best friend during such instances – assuming of course you can get away with wearing them. If you can’t, chances are you will only make things worse by donning them. Which is why keeping some decent quality eye drops on hand can also be helpful, as a means by which to reduce puffiness and redness. An iced coffee will help perk you up a little bit and refresh you at the same time, while a basic OTC painkiller may ease any of the nasty comedown side-effects you are trying to hide.
Talk on the Phone
If you happen to come across somebody you would absolutely prefer not to know you were stoned at the time, one of the most helpful weapons in your arsenal is your mobile phone. It’s the classic brush off that never fails to work – simply reach for your phone, pretend it’s an extremely important call you cannot refuse and have yourself a fake one-sided conversation. A little deceptive it may be and difficult to explain if you are caught out, but get it right and it’s a great way of not having to speak to others when you are trying to hide your high.
Say Very Little
Try not to fall into the trap of panicking yourself into a blind stupor where you end up saying anything and everything that comes into your mind, simply as a means by which not to sit in silence. Sitting around and not saying much at the occasion is one thing – opening your mouth and rambling nonsensically is something else entirely. Long story short, speak only when spoken to.
Cough and Splutter
Last but not least, that drowsiness, puffiness and red-eyed-ness you’re trying so hard to hide has quite a lot in common with the symptoms of the common cold. Which is precisely why if you are willing to put on the theatrics, you could always start coughing, spluttering and fake-sneezing your way to an explanation as to what exactly is wrong with you. Once again, highly effective if you get it right – disastrous if you get it wrong!